I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
