i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
