I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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