I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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