I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
