i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
