im gay
i know
yea but for you.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
