My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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