It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I AM VODKA MAN
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
