So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
