This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Buhtt sex?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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