a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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