he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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