but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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