Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
