alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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