After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
