wrigley field is MILF paradise
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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