I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
