OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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