I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
