There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
