So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
