I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
