I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
