Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
