You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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