i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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