The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
