I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
