Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
