Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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