Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
