Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
