can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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