New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
