I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
