nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
