the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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