you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
