you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
