I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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