I'm eating all of the evidence.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
