yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
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Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
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Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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