Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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