I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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