i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
