i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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