I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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