He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
