I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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