Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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