Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
