He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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