do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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