oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
