i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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