her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
